It's Halloween, and there will be candy, and I need to make one thing super clear: My son is an angel. He is an 11-year old sweetie-pie, a super generous, kind, thoughtful human being. I say that because it makes my Halloween candy confession even more ridiculous:
I'm going to eat all of my kid's Reese's candies.
Well, all except the weird because ew. But yes. The peanut butter cups, the Reese's pieces, the (which are the BEST out of ALL the Reese's products EVER, they just have the perfect chocolate-to-PB ratio, and there's something about the shape that just...you get me, you know).
Yes. ALL of that good, good candy is just going to magically disappear from his giant plastic jack o' lantern. Not all at once, mind you, I'm not an amateur! Slowly. One day it will look like there are tons of orange-wrapped candies, and then a week or two later he'll look in there, and this conversation will once again take place:
Little dude: "Hey, did you eat all my Reese's?"
Me: *looks at him with a wince face*
Little dude: "Mommm!"
(Hey, I'm evolving! Last year, I told him I donated it all!)
Funny thing is, he will be initially annoyed but then he will laugh. He won't really care! He's not that kind of kid. He will actually come home from trick-or-treating and give me a few Reese's of his own accord, knowing they're my favorite, because, again, he is wonderful, and I am a sneaky weirdo. I could easily just ask him to let me have all of it and he would probably give it to me.
You know those kids who get really greedy about candy? "That's MYYYY special candy!" I think I was probably like that when I was little. I distinctly recall hoarding mine and not wanting to trade or give a single piece, except maybe the which are the worst. Thank goodness my lack of generosity did not pass onto my son.
If you, too, are going eat a bunch of your kids' candy, here's your justification: You found them an awesome costume! You went from house to house on Halloween night, too! Maybe it was even raining! You deserve it. Now go get yourself all those Reese's pumpkins. You are welcome. (Then pair them with wine—yes, Halloween candy-drink pairings are a thing and they are glorious!)
Gina Cohen is a and humorist who has written for The Washington Post, Huffington Post, Scary Mommy, Woman's Day, POPSUGAR, and more. Her top blog, 'Sorry Kid, Elf on the Shelf Isn't Gonna Happen,' united a bunch of overwhelmed parents in a grassroots anti-elf campaign and she considers this one of her greatest life achievements. You can find her at Target.